I spent the day today like a normal person and it never ceases to amaze me how the most mundane moments can give me such pleasure. My daughter had her Christmas pageant and was chosen to be the Christmas angel. She was just a vision with golden curls and enormous blue eyes. It was such a pleasant hour, of just being able to sit in the audience, not have be a leader or have any level of responsibility. Not having to think about my job or my marriage, for the most part. To just blend in as part of the crowd. Every few moments the curtain would open and another group of kids would get ready to give it there all. Its always funny to see which ones will freeze up and then watch the other children try to adjust their dance for the three of four kids who become stunned little statues. Some kids just dissolve into tears while some get that special glint in their eyes, get an extra shimmy in their step and steal your hearts. I love to watch the teachers in the corner exaggerating the dance moves and then you can see which kids are even remotely in sync. Sometimes I like to watch the parents who are intensely wrapped up trying to get their kids to smile or wave. It's so beautiful how we want so much for our children, even though they won't remember any of this. There so young and yet we want to package the world for them and say "Here it is, take it all and make it yours". When they're young we encourage their greediness, to want it all to see it all, to be it all. I don't know when that changes but how different the world would be if we could hold onto that innocence and the blind faith in everyone. Of course, how different would the world actually be if there was a Santa Claus and every boo-boo was healed with a kiss.
I'm feeling better because I'm sleeping better the last few days, so you guys can cancel the suicide watch. What a difference a good night's sleep brings. I also have been getting a lot of support from some one I never thought would have become the friend he has. It's strange that you can meet some people who the instant you speak to them, you feel like they know who you are even when you don't know yourself. One of those people who you never feel the need to lie to because it would be like lying to yourself, and really, what's the point of that. I have one of those to thank for getting me writing again, and I'm glad I am, even if it is painful and is scarring the shit out of you, dear readers. But this other person, I never saw coming and that makes his presence all the sweeter because I never expected anything from him and yet I've gotten so much. We had worked together for awhile, he tolerated my cynicism in the alcove, and I tolerated and lets be realistic, encouraged, his blatant flirting. He also accidentally caused me to have my first flashback, one that I didn't handle well because I had never experienced it before. After I pulled it together as best I could, I explained things and we became fast friends. I was transferred to a different ER for month and would occasionally think of him. The first time I saw him again I was intubating a patient and I looked up to see him looking intently for me because he had heard I was back. It was one of those times when you watch someone and they don't know your looking at them, so there not trying to hide anything or be someone or something else. And sometimes when I have a bad day I think of the look on his face as he was trying to find me and it reminds me that even though I don't always realize it, I matter to someone. And now he and I text everyday, at least a line or two, just because. He was the only one who responded to my text the day my heart was breaking over my son. I haven't seen him since last month and I'm very conflicted because I worry so much about screwing things up somehow if we go out for dinner or hang out together. I'm a pretty damaged person, I freely admit it, and I have forgotten how to have normal friendships and normal relationships. I feel like everything I touch I ruin these days so I'm constantly pushing people away. And I don't now how to be a good friend to anyone because I have spent so much time this last year avoiding people so I wouldn't have to answer personal questions. I feel bad because I don't think he ever planned to meet someone he would need to worry about, worry about me getting hurt and worrying about how I'm doing emotionally. It must be an awful big weight to be responsible for redeeming one broken girls faith in men again. But so far..... he's doing a really great job.