Saturday, December 30, 2006

Where'd you go... I miss you so...; seems like it's been forever....since you've been gone...

Well, I guess I've been avoiding blogging recently because I've had a lot of personal things going on with me. Things I had originally decided I wasn't going to talk about with anyone. Maybe I've changed my mind on that thought though. It's more difficult now because I know that some people I know personally now read my blog and now I have to wonder about what they think. There's an anonimity I miss.
So where have I gone. That seems to be the question. I found out I was pregnant. Don't get too excited though, this does not have a happy ending.
I suppose I could lie and say that I miscarried the baby, that would be the chicken-shit easy way out. But that's not what happened. I terminated the pregnancy at 8 weeks.
I just couldn't have this baby right now. My family is barely making it right now, not on my pay. Neither car is registered, or insured for that matter. I'm two months behind on my car payment and the only reason they haven't taken the car is that they don't know where it is. My rent costs more than one paycheck so even though I get paid twice a month it only feels like once.
But there's so much more than that. I can't survive this year while being pregnant. I know that deep down in the core of who I am. I would either fall into a deep depression that I may not recover from or I would just become some one I never want to be. I don't want to regret my children, or regret my marriage. As bitter and sad as some believe that I am, I still know that underneath it all is the girl who likes to sing into her hairbrush and dance naked after a shower. I don't want to lose her. I see people I used to know who have lost themselves in this profession. It's so sad, I wish I didn't know them anymore. I miss them. And I wonder if they miss themselves. I don't know if they'll ever be the same.
And then there's the difficulty of being pregnant. Before I had my baby I didn't think it was that hard to be pregnant. So your a little fat... man up. Then I got pregnant. I threw up ever day for almost the first six months. It didn't matter what I ate. I lost weight . I picked partially digested salad out of my teeth so many times that I still can't eat lettuce. Have you ever tried to preform chest compressions at eight and I half months. They had to but two step stools underneath my feet so I could get my belly over the patient. I was sweating buckets. My pregnancy didn't go smoothly either. At 22 weeks I had an ultrasound that showed a problem. The baby had bilateral kidney defects and a heart defect. I was advised to have a late term, 2nd trimester abortion because they thought she had a genetic anomally. I couldn't do it though. She already had a name, I could feel her moving inside of me. She would have been a D&E, the so called partial birth abortion. So for once in my life I had a little faith and things turned out okay. Not perfect, but okay. After she came out and she wasn't deformed my husband and I just cried and cried. We didn't realize we had essentially been holding our breath for 4 months. I can't do that again. I'm just not ready to go back there yet.
So where have I gone, I've gone where most people who terminate a pregnancy go. Into hiding. Sure, I'm allowed to make the choice I made but that doesn't mean I don't feel ashamed or judged. Part of me says fuck everyone, they don't know me. But its hard watching my daughter playing and knowing that there would be another one of her if not for my choice. I regret it. Make no mistake about it, I'd do it again if I got pregnant again. But I still regret having to make the choice. I think the pro life and the pro choice side get so caught up trying to make the issue black and white that they forget that life is grey. I'm just trying to do the best for me and my family and it in this case the best choice was to not have this baby.
So now you know. Say what you will, think what you must. Turn me into a sinner or a saint. At least I didn't lie about it. At least you know where I've been