Saturday, December 30, 2006

Where'd you go... I miss you so...; seems like it's been forever....since you've been gone...

Well, I guess I've been avoiding blogging recently because I've had a lot of personal things going on with me. Things I had originally decided I wasn't going to talk about with anyone. Maybe I've changed my mind on that thought though. It's more difficult now because I know that some people I know personally now read my blog and now I have to wonder about what they think. There's an anonimity I miss.
So where have I gone. That seems to be the question. I found out I was pregnant. Don't get too excited though, this does not have a happy ending.
I suppose I could lie and say that I miscarried the baby, that would be the chicken-shit easy way out. But that's not what happened. I terminated the pregnancy at 8 weeks.
I just couldn't have this baby right now. My family is barely making it right now, not on my pay. Neither car is registered, or insured for that matter. I'm two months behind on my car payment and the only reason they haven't taken the car is that they don't know where it is. My rent costs more than one paycheck so even though I get paid twice a month it only feels like once.
But there's so much more than that. I can't survive this year while being pregnant. I know that deep down in the core of who I am. I would either fall into a deep depression that I may not recover from or I would just become some one I never want to be. I don't want to regret my children, or regret my marriage. As bitter and sad as some believe that I am, I still know that underneath it all is the girl who likes to sing into her hairbrush and dance naked after a shower. I don't want to lose her. I see people I used to know who have lost themselves in this profession. It's so sad, I wish I didn't know them anymore. I miss them. And I wonder if they miss themselves. I don't know if they'll ever be the same.
And then there's the difficulty of being pregnant. Before I had my baby I didn't think it was that hard to be pregnant. So your a little fat... man up. Then I got pregnant. I threw up ever day for almost the first six months. It didn't matter what I ate. I lost weight . I picked partially digested salad out of my teeth so many times that I still can't eat lettuce. Have you ever tried to preform chest compressions at eight and I half months. They had to but two step stools underneath my feet so I could get my belly over the patient. I was sweating buckets. My pregnancy didn't go smoothly either. At 22 weeks I had an ultrasound that showed a problem. The baby had bilateral kidney defects and a heart defect. I was advised to have a late term, 2nd trimester abortion because they thought she had a genetic anomally. I couldn't do it though. She already had a name, I could feel her moving inside of me. She would have been a D&E, the so called partial birth abortion. So for once in my life I had a little faith and things turned out okay. Not perfect, but okay. After she came out and she wasn't deformed my husband and I just cried and cried. We didn't realize we had essentially been holding our breath for 4 months. I can't do that again. I'm just not ready to go back there yet.
So where have I gone, I've gone where most people who terminate a pregnancy go. Into hiding. Sure, I'm allowed to make the choice I made but that doesn't mean I don't feel ashamed or judged. Part of me says fuck everyone, they don't know me. But its hard watching my daughter playing and knowing that there would be another one of her if not for my choice. I regret it. Make no mistake about it, I'd do it again if I got pregnant again. But I still regret having to make the choice. I think the pro life and the pro choice side get so caught up trying to make the issue black and white that they forget that life is grey. I'm just trying to do the best for me and my family and it in this case the best choice was to not have this baby.
So now you know. Say what you will, think what you must. Turn me into a sinner or a saint. At least I didn't lie about it. At least you know where I've been


Bravofriendly said...

Judgment turning you into a saint or sinner does not belong to anyone. Thank you for bravely sharing your story, all of it. Thank you for reminding both the medical and non-medical community of the sacrifices and personal heartaches that are suffered along the road to becoming a physician. My heart aches for you - I wish you peace and solace.

Bravofriendly said...

My heart aches for you. Passing judgment about your status as a saint or sinner is neither the business nor the prerogative of any of us. Thank you for bravely sharing your story, your whole story. Your truth serves as a reminder of the painful and often sacrifice-paved road to becoming a physician. I wish you peace and solace.

Anonymous said...

Eons (truly) before Roe vs Wade women have had to make the choice you made, for similar or different reasons. I don't suppose it was an easy decision for very many of them. Probably all harbored regrets. In truth, NO one gets through life without regrets, some bitter indeed. Take very good care of yourself as you recover.

Anonymous said...

As someone who was almost aborted, I like to think I have a bit of a unique perspective on all of this.

First, the backstory: my biological mother and father didn't really know each other. I was the product of a one-night stand in a sleazy hotel- how cliche is that? Anyway, once my biological mother realized that she was knocked up with me, she went into Planned Parenthood. The oh-so-helpful nurse, upon confirming the pregnancy, suggested to my biological mother that she could simply abort me. After all, what was I? Just a mess of tissue, a few months old.

My biological mother thought about it... but decided that she couldn't go through with it. Instead, she put me up for adoption. I grew up with a good family, in a nice house. I graduated to college and have been accepted to 3 medical schools so far. And yet, I nearly wound up a mess of bloody tissue in the bottom of a biohazard bag.

Here's the thing about abortion. Sure, YOUR life might be full of "shades of grey," but it's all very simple for your fetus. Your fetus is dead. Its mangled body was plaaced in a biohazard bag and dumped into a landfill, where it is currently rotting. The smell, without a doubt, would make you vomit. And you have butchered it.

You say that you did this "for your family." Yeah, right. Here's an imagined conversation with your little girl: "Well, sweetie, until recently, Mommy was carrying your little brother or sister to-be in my tummy. But since Mommy didn't think she had enough money for the baby, and Mommy didn't want to give the baby to a couple who can't have kids, Mommy had some nice heath professionals cut the baby out of her tummy and suck it up ito a tube so that it would die. Mommy killed it for you, sweetheart, so that you could have a better life."

Your fetus will never talk to you. Unlike me, it will never grow up, go to college, go to med school. Unlike me, it's too busy decomposing. So the closest thing you'll probably ever get to hearing its voice it hearing mine. So, here's what I've got to say:

That was MY body inside my mother. My little developing head, torso, arms and legs. My heart. Not hers. Had she chosen to pay a bunch of bloodthirst butchers the way you did, I never would have gotten to have a life, friends, an education. You have stolen all of that from your own child to-be, slaughtering it because it was "best for you" it was "what you needed to do for youself right now."

My god, your selfishness just shines through your post. I couldn't help but notice that when you talk about the possible D&E of your first child, you note your PERSONAL emotional anguish, but you never mention wondering "Will the D&E be painful to the baby? Will it suffer? What kind of life would it have led?" Likewise, you dont show the slightest bit of concern for the fetus you did chose to abort. Oh, you care about YOURSELF plenty, but not the fetus. What it would have been if you had not chosen to destroy it? What potential it could have had if given to a home far more living than one you could ever provide? Could it have had a happy life in an adoptive home? Was killing really better than letting it live-- just with a different family?

Some people might say that I should have "compassion" for you. Right. We both know that, had I been in your uterus, you would have destroyed me. Instead, I got to be born, but your fetus is rotting somewhere. And you can think only of yourself.

The Born Fetus

Anonymous said...

First of all, let me tell you that I am writing this as I am reading your post. Where *did* you go??

Oh, I *totally* know what you mean. This blogging is therapeutic, because of the anonymity, in my opinion. No worries of criticism, or judgement (from people who matter, no offense, but if you don't know me, does my opinion *really* affect you?) Can you change the blog address? And not tell them? What was your husband thinking?! Gahh...
I'm sorry you had to go through this difficult thing. I am so proud that you could make such a difficult but rational decision. I'm grateful that you could safely carry out that decision. You aren't a sinner. You aren't a saint. You are a human being. You do what you have to do. You did what you had to do.
I, too, wish you peace and solace.

DrShroom said...

That life forces these choices on us is both cruel, and, sadly, inevitable. That you feel you should have to justify your actions seems somehow worse. You have fronted up to a hellishly difficult choice and no-one should try to lean on you for doing what you felt was right. Be well, and take care

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honesty and willingess to share your story. My hope is that your healing process truly begins by being able to talk about your tough decision.

Life is filled with difficult choices and matter what your profession. Judgement is reserved for our maker, not a single person on this earth.

The only way to get through these situations are to honor your feelings and not hide from them. You are taking the right road to recovery.

All the best to you,
A loyal reader

Dr. Wannabe said...

You do what you have to do, and don't listen to anyone else. I'm just happy that you're back.

hallwayfour said...

Wow. This is my first time reading your blog and I guess it's a pretty momentous entry. Sorry to hear that you've had such a hard time lately. Hopefully the New Year will bring less stress and happier days.

Serial Filler said...

Wow. That's a tough road to walk. I'm 62, and past having to make those choices, but I vividly remember what a difficult gift fertility is. My take on this is that you did the right thing for yourself by going public. It won't lessen the pain, and it will bring you face-to-face with some painful feedback, but in the long run, you will heal more completely because you chose not to hide.

Medblog Addict said...

Welcome back. You were missed.

SeaSpray said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I guess this post and comments make it clear that people don't hold back on what to say. I am still skittish and testing the waters.

I am sorry for what you have and are going through. In life all we can do is our best, but that best isn't always going to be someone else's best.

I am in no way judging you or want to be preachy, but there is a book that I think came out in the early 90's by pastor Jack Hayford called "I'll Hold You in Heaven". It is for "anyone" who has ever lost a child through abortion, accident, illness and will help to restore healing and hope, etc.

I just checked on line and it looks like there are newer editions out.

The title is based on what King David said when he lost his baby boy - "I'll hold you in heaven" and is a type for what we can expect even today, the promise that we will see them again.

Pastor Hayford is one of those bridge building ministers, that is not judgmental, but instead radiates God's love.

I don't know you or if you even believe in God and if so what faith you are. I absolutely do not intend to be offensive in any way, but instead wanted to tell you about this in case it is a book that will minister to your spirit.

I am only suggesting this because I hear your pain, feel your conflict and my heart goes out to you. I wish you well Irish Doc.

SeaSpray said...

I've been reading some of your other stuff. Very interesting - I'll be back. :)

Anonymous said...

no one but you knows what's right for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

To the anonymous that signed their post "The Born Fetus:"

IrishDoc made her choice, and chose to share her decision in her blog. Since she already terminated the pregnancy, your story was obviously not posted to sway her decision. So what purpose did such a vitriolic attack on her serve?

Leave her to grieve what might have been, and the necessity of her choice, in peace.

Meg said...


I stumbled onto your blog through several links from blogs I read, and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story.

I terminated a pregnancy at 8 weeks when I was 17 and to this date it was the hardest choice I have ever made. I have since reconciled myself with God, and the whole process turned me toward the pro-life stance, but I would never dream of telling you that you were an awful person for doing what you did.

Having been there, I know what was going through your mind for the most part, and even in my case I was much more selfish in that I didn't want to "ruin" my family's "rep". I wasn't concerned with my family's finances or how I would even support a child!

My heart really goes out to you, and all I can offer is prayer for you, and to tell you that you will heal with time. Of course, you will never forget, but the pain softens over time.

I was very fortunate to find a loving and understanding nun to help me through my sadness in the situation, and if you are religious, I highly recommend finding a priest, sister, or pastor to talk to (well, one that will remain open to talking to you and give you some guidance). If you are not religious, then try to find someone objective to talk to when you are ready. It may take weeks, months, or years, but try not to keep it bottled inside forever.

You are very brave to share your story to the public and put up with the judgment you've received. Rest assured those that judge will also be judged, and being a "born fetus" does not make one free from sin.

At any rate, I didn't mean to make my reply so long. I will be praying for you and your family. Good luck and God bless you.

ditzydoctor said...

hullo, much thanks for that story. it's a sobering thought, and one that's really revealing. you're only human, there's no wrong in that. i can't honestly say i know how you're feeling, but really, i feel incredibly sad for you. in the future, if i ever do advise my patients to ToP, i'll always remember what you went through first. a proper time for grieving must be had, and we all should try to move on. i wish you well, do take care, IrishDoc

Anonymous said...

Older pre-med here….To the “Born Fetus” - You have the right to feel the way you do, and I am glad you “made it” so to speak - but I detect a great deal of hatred in your post. It seemed as if you received enjoyment from being so graphic about the biological situation…almost as if you wanted to punish Irishdoc further and make her suffer more than she already is. Grow up a little. We all make choices in life, we all have regrets. Sometime doing the right thing isn’t doing the right thing. Irishdoc – hang in there…you’ll be ok.

Anonymous said...

Why do people who have so much compassion for the unborn have so little compassion for everyone else?
My mother didn't much want me, and told me so. In her day, abortion wasn't available. I can understand the way she felt with no difficulty. Once I was here, she did her best, but would it have been some terrible sin to have made a different choice? Not in my book. The hardest part for me in your post was that you feel ashamed. I don't see why you should. You made your choice for reasons that make sense in your life, it wasn't an easy choice and you are brave - very brave - to be up front about it. Sad, yes. Wistful, yes. But struggle with shame, it has no place.

Anonymous said...

"born fetus" sounds nasty & self righteous. no woman makes such a this decision easily. and, BTW, Planned Parenthood is about affordable, reproductive health care. education and support for an individual's choice is given, be it for birth control or pregnancy. not suggestions to "simply abort" you hang in there & take care. you can make it!

gujudoc said...

I'd like to throw in my two cents. First to the person who signed as
Born Fetus....

Born Fetus,

You are an idiot. You do not know the circumstances of this individual. I'd rather they have an abortion when the baby is still not kicking and yet fully developed then become psychologically messed up as a result of it. Born Fetus, are you a woman?? Have you gone through labor much less pregnancy?? Try not to judge before you've been in this person's shoes. And you make the whole adoption process sound so simple. Its not a simple 5 minute ordeal. It takes years for most people to legally adopt children because of the fact that they are investigated and go through other things to make sure that the child is secure with them and not going to be in a home with abusive parents or criminal felons, etc. I highly doubt this individual wanted to do this but sometimes you have to make decisions which don't always have happy endings. Yes, it was a human life but I rather that child not be born then be born into a bad situation in which the parent themselves may suffer psychologically or emotionally and take it out on the children.

If you want to talk about adoption, there are so many poverty stricken kids in developing nations and here who need to be adopted before you start preaching about those not yet born. Then there's those abused kids who are in shelters and foster homes who need new adoptive parents because their own parents were not fit to be parents. Try looking there first before you tell someone what they should or shouldn't do about a pregnancy.

gujudoc said...

P.S. The second thing I wanted to say was that my heart goes out to the person who own's this blog.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure how I came across your blog but I'm glad I did. Hope you're ignoring the nastiness up there. You made your decision, you have been brave enough to tell people about it.
You are the only one who will live with the consequences of your actions, if that is regret for the termination or immense relief from it - only you know and only you will carry that with you. I hope it's the latter.

DementedM said...

I'm sorry.

It makes me angry that you have to make that kind of a choice to become a doctor because the pay is so poor and the hours so long. That's not right.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Hi Doc. I'm one of those people that know you in the real world. I know you outside of the hospital, the long hours and away from the rest of your crazy duties. It breaks my heart to know what you and your husband have been dealing with. I had no idea it had become that difficult. I did feel like I was intruding into a part of your privite lives that I had no business knowing about. You can rest assured that this reader and friend makes no judgement. Life is not always easy and we all make mistakes. Some of these mistakes are eaiser to live with than others. Just remember God is good and truly uderstands our hearts. (That last line might give you some idea who this is) I'll call you soon. Love you, the baby and your husband a great deal.

Lala said...

At least you have the choice. Where I'm from, its not allowed! If I got pregnant as an intern I don't know what I would do.....

LĂ­via (brazil) said...

well, hard sittuation.
hope never live this as u did...
and i wish u good luck w ur problems.
i dont know if u belive in God, but i do.
if u also do, dont loose ur faith.
He is always by our side, even in these fuck moments.
dont be afraid of keep living and look forward, there is always a way to get better.
God bless you and give u light in ur way.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

This is my first time visiting. A friend directed me to this post. Your story, and your decision making process, sound so similar to mine. I grieve for my child that isn't, but I treasure what I do have: the children, the marriage, the physical and mental health I sacrificed that child for. My heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

This is an old post but I read the comments, and I must have my say.

To the poster known as Born Fetus, you are disgusting. How dare you so luridly place your own arrogant self into that imagined and spiteful scenario, just to hurt the original poster. Right now I am living a life where I know someone who was an unplanned pregnancy. They are my friend and I'm grateful for them. But if their mother had had to abort them, what would I know? I wouldn't know I was missing a friend and I wouldn't be better off or worse than I am now, just living with different people who do exist. You seem to think that every abortion is the murder of potentially fantastic people from the world and you resent greatly that you nearly didn't exist. Grow up. Every egg, every sperm, every clump of fertilized cells are just possibilities of people until if they are actually born into the world. Do I accuse my mother of murdering my imaginary siblings because she took the contraceptive pill? Should I make disgusting graphic remarks about the wanton rejection of all the possibilities of her babies as bloody periods and unused eggs? I took the morning after pill myself and changed the course of the future, by ensuring there wouldn't be an extra person there who I couldn't care for. I changed the future by deciding to go out with my boyfriend, by deciding to go on holiday, by every little thing I do everyday- like everyone else!

Get over yourself and get rid of that huge chip on your shoulder.

Carol-Jean said...

Thank you for sharing that you too are human.


Mary said...

I came across your blog quite by accident and want to applaud your bravery in telling about this very painful part of your life. I went through this 25 yrs ago, and sometimes wonder 'what if?' but mainly I realize that my life would never have turned out the way it has if I hadn't made that decision. And my life is good and happy. Don't beat yourself up, and don't listen to idiots like Born Fetus (who by the way is probably a man and has no right to judge you or have an opinion on this subject in my opinion). You will be ok. You are brave and strong.