Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dear Men

I never thought I would be alone for this long and yet I still have no one to share my night's or even my days. Someone to call for the good or the bad. Someone to dream with or plan with. My poor grocer watches me pick out a solo 6 ounce piece of fish and an ear of corn, two to three night's out of the week. A sad testament to the single girl's nightly dilemma of what to eat. And Ive got to admit that I'm pretty darn lonely.
I try really hard to pretend that I am happy, that this is the Hollywood dream it is supposed to be. But even if it means putting up with socks on the floor or the toilet seat up, I miss you men. I miss getting to be the girl. Being scared if the power goes out or of spiders creeping up the walls. I'm a single mother and an Emergency Room physician and there's not very much room for vulnerability in either of those positions. But God Damn I am tired of holding the world up on my shoulders.
I met you men every where. I'm great in groups but never seem quite able to make the transition from girl in the crowd to girl in your arms. You seem to sense the damage and pain from across the room and we never get much farther then you buying me a drink. Truth be told, I was never the girl who was going to go home from the bar with you. I'm just not built that way. I deal with women all the time who would never drink House vodka at a club but seem to go home with the House men all the time. Not me, I just can't seem to let go enough. I don't know you, which means I don't trust you and so the ending seems pretty inevitable doesn't it. I have finally let go off being able to kiss a man, but as for the rest of the game, I'm still not there.
I don't try to be a delicate girl. I hate being that girl so much I almost choke on the thought. That girl. The one who can't seem to completely relax, the one who tenses up when she is touched. That girl, the one who doesn't need to tell you she's been hurt because it's written all over her soul. That girl. You know exactly who I'm talking about. That girl. At some point I became her and she became me and I don't know how to separate the two.
I hate that I tense up when you wrap your arm around my waist. I freeze when you try to massage my shoulders. As one man said recently "you would enjoy it if you just let me love you" I have no doubt I would and as soon as I find the strength to , maybe I'll give you a call. But right now I can't. And I'm lonely and it hurts so much to be here and not to be with you men. I've learned how to put together furniture, and haggle with the car repairman. To learn the things through trial and error that seem to come so easily to you. But I don't want this job on top of all the others. I want to be held, to be vulnerable, to be the girl. And to let you be the big strong man once in a while. And if I knew how to say all that at the bar, at the club, even when were texting on the phone, maybe I wouldn't be so and feel so alone.
So Dear Men, I am broken and I am Damaged. But I promise you there was once a good women here. A loving woman. A trusting woman. And I don't think I can find her without your help. So I'm sorry I'm difficult, and suspicious, and probably a whole lot harder to be with then that girl dancing with her hand on the floor and her ass in the air. I'm the one the one in the corner, alone. And I'm know I much more work then you wanted to take on, but I wish you would try. I wish you could believe in me more than I'm able to believe in myself. I wish you could see me as more that that girl, and just see me as a girl. A girl who wants to meet a man. And get to know him first. And get to trust him. And maybe pick up two serving's of fish tonight for dinner, instead of one....


jim said...

I have nothing to do with medicine but have been an avid follower of your blog for several months now, after stumbling upon it. I have always been so impressed and moved by your writing, as I was today.
If you were in Houston I would jump at the chance to meet someone so honest, human, vunerable, so very real. I hope the guy you do find will be smart enough to realize just how unique and special you are. I think I can reasonably say that a lot of us guys are very, very tired of meeting those women dancing in a bar with their ass in the air.
Keep smiling, and don't stop writing.

Anonymous said...

I've always felt that to meet a man in your life, you need to be happy on your own first. I've seen it happen time and time again with me and my girlfriends.

Lonely, unhappy...then work hard to make friends, do things they enjoy, be happy with their own selves...then, voila. Somehow, a man comes along.

If you look for a man to believe in you, you'll find someone who you won't like or want when you ARE happy. First, see how you can make yourself better. Yes, you have to make yourself better and I really really recommend going to a therapist. You need "a compassionate witness" to help you heal.

Then, build a life for yourself -- friends, activities, enjoyment just being alone at times. Once your life is balanced, you will find someone. They'll be attracted to the joy and peace you emit! I know you can get there. Good luck!

M said...

I feel your pain. Can you describe your pain? Show me where it hurts. On a scale of one to ten ("one" being "no pain at all", and "ten" being "all of it"), how bad is your pain? Nevermind about that for now. I have a box of Band-Aids in the hall closet.

"It always seems darkest when things are really dark"
-M Baker

Yours Truly


Miguel said...

Try approaching men that you feel attracted to for the hell of it. You can also try online dating to hook up. I don't I'm just trying to help, I'm on the same boat.

ERRN4U said...


It has been quite some time since your last posf. I still check your blog weekly. I am hoping that this long absence means that you are doing well, and are either nearing completion or have completed your residency.

Either way, I hope you are okay.


Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous (above), but it seems like you don't have much freedom to take of yourself when you're so busy taking care of others, in and out of work. I hope that you find ways to nurture yourself. If you're not sure in what ways, counseling could be helpful...It could also be helpful to process through some of your old experiences. Even you've been damaged, you can be rebuilt again.